It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
