So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
