my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
