who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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