Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
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