Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
