I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
