im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
