I'm gonna have a badass scar
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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