I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
