ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize