hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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