So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
