Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
