K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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