pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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