you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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