On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
