Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
