I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize