I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
