They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
