talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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