The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
