and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
