She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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