apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
