it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
