I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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