Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
