I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize