You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
