Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
