he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize