I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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