I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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