Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
