i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
