I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
