he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
