We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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