when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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