dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
