he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize