everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
