dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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