I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
