I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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