just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
