If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
