So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
