Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
