When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize