i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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