Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you didnt know i had herpes?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
