Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
