i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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