Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize