The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
