now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
