Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
