I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
