Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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