Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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