Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
