I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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